My Nan once gave me the grandmother of all rebukes. She spotted me on television taking out my frustration on a bush after something hadn’t gone my way. She rightly pointed out that whatever problems I was having, they were absolutely nothing to do with innocent plants.

Since Nan passed away a few years ago, my mum has taken it upon herself to become the Westwood behaviour and language controller. I kept her busy in Qatar last week when she found me guilty of using inappropriate language.

There had been a build up of aggravations and irritations until I reached boiling point leaving the sixteenth green during the last round. A Mount Vesuvius of a spike mark got in the way of a two-and-a-half foot putt and an eruption followed.

The language was somewhat colourful and among those who heard, when watching the tv, were Mum and my wife, Laurae. To them and anybody else who might have heard my unsavoury language, sincere apologies.

But I won’t be apologising to the guy who left the spike mark because it shouldn’t have been there. What’s more, I don’t see the reason for anybody to wear spikes. I think about 95 per cent of us are either using soft spikes or really short metal ones. I don’t see any real reason for the big ones, particularly when they cause as many problems as they did in Qatar.

There was one other issue which I had to get to grips with... quite literally. I had no end of problems with one of my club grips and it needed no fewer than five to find one which was to my satisfaction. Hopefully, everything will be on track this week. Ping have sorted out the problems with my driver, my short game has clicked into the place where it was at the end of last year and my distance control with the new clubs is not an issue.

Now we’re in Dubai, one of my favourite cities in the world. The Desert Classic always has some kind of shoot out before the main event and it was my privilege to partner Tom Watson in the floodlit team competition. Floodlit was something of an exaggeration because it wasn’t too far removed from playing golf at midnight with the help of one 50watt bulb per hole. We couldn’t see the pin on one green simply because it was in the shade.

We finished third which in normal circumstances wouldn’t be too bad. Unfortunately there were only three teams... so we either finished third or last depending on whether you consider your glass half empty or half full.

My glass was definitely full to the top at the pro-am organised by Abdullah Al Naboodah, chairman of my management company, ISM. A 63 claimed first prize although I had to share it with my Ryder Cup colleague Darren Clarke. They wanted to stage a play off, but that temptation was resisted which saved Darren the embarrassment of losing to me in head to head competition!

Darren’s been playing much better of late and, like me, has been on a bit of a health and fitness regime for a few weeks. I haven’t touched a drop of alcohol for 21 days and more than my waistline is feeling the benefits. Fitness coach Steve McGregor is out here to keep an eye on me and we’ve been doing some pretty intensive stuff. Actually it wasn’t pretty at all, but definitely intensive.

The next time, you’ll hear from me will be when I’m in America for the first time this year for the WGC Match Play in Tucson. So Dubai is my last event before that and hopefully I will have some very positive things to report.

My language will be much better by then. I swear it.